PAA

I Miss You, Dad!!


I'm usually an upbeat, happy go lucky person, so I've been confused these past few days by a feeling of deep depression. Everything in my life is great, so why am I feeling physically lethargic, mentally drained and sad?

As I thought this situation, I realized that this is the time of year when my father passed away. I vividly recollect every moment; every memory. Flashbacks of sacrifices he made to keep us happy and safe - I remember how he got hurt badly in a scooter accident, but held me between his knees so I would not get hurt. I remember his devotion towards his parents.

Twenty nine years ago, on December 17 1980, the loving, wonderful man who had always been my rock, suddenly let go and moved on – without any warning, without kissing us goodbye, without telling us one last time how much he loved us – till this day I miss his hugs and his firm but gentle voice. He was only 42 years old, had lived a great life as a son, husband and father. I wasn't, and still am not ready to accept that he is gone. I've gone on with my life, but not a day passes when I don't think of his amazing smile, something I forgot to ask him, share successes and failures with him, wish we could laugh together, go horse back riding or I could receive his wise counsel on a troubling matter and changing relationships.

Even though I miss him every day, I'm usually able to enjoy my life and function just fine. However, each year around this time my subconscious reminds my body that it's a time of grief, and I feel "down" for a week or so.

Once I identify what's going on, I can relax, be gentle with myself, and get on with things. Still, it's disconcerting until I remember that I'm reliving my grief over having an empty space where my father should be. What always amazes me is that my subconscious and body remember, even when my conscious mind is focused elsewhere.

So, this month I'm reflecting on my father, and all the people who were physically in my life and are now in my heart. I'm also reflecting on how incredible the human mind/body connection is, and how grateful I am that they help remind me of the important stuff

Dad, I miss you and love you forever and more!